God helps those who help themselves
Benjamin Franklin
When I failed to recover at the local eating disorder unit, relapsed at home and hit rock rock bottom and then again attempted one of the millions failed recoveries at home, I took a risk and challenged my disorder. Changing my social environment helped me in beating my disorder, as I was forced to stay in an environment with no eating disorder triggers.
I love these words by Rumi:
To be or not to be Is not my dilemma. To break away from both worlds is not bravery. To be unaware of the wonders That exist in me, That Is real madness! ~
Hehehe Yes I wanted to see what exists in me, and distinguish it from my eating disorder demon.
I can now really relate to what Kate Walsh said in her book:
An eating disorder is a disorder of behaviour
An eating disorder is a disorder of lifestyle,
An eating disorder is a disorder of relationships,
An eating disorder is a disorder of thinking,
An eating disorder is a disorder of life and values and emotions.
Geez , what a price to pay for thin body? (I’m referring to myself)
Anyway at home, underweight, depressed, sun is not shinning Grrrrr. Your disorder is not changing and you are losing your spiritual connection with God and in your starved mind, everyone is either fitting into black category perfectly good or white category very bad. I knew what I needed, so I changed my environment for few days. Deep down, I knew that it will be just me and my disorder and I wanted to see and monitor the behaviours I would indulge in while away from the comfort of my environment.
It was a four day break, but a break with a purpose to heal my body and soul. More than anything I wanted to reconnect with God and refrain from disordered behaviours that took up 20 hours of my day. I wanted to be steady in my prayers and marvel at simple things in life. I dedicate this recovery to a dear friend who was committed to the belief that I can and will become responsible for my own recovery.
So with yellow skin and shivering body I leave my home for Gatton Manor Golf Club in Surrey. I booked a room, with no breakfast. I’m going to recover by taking my own food with me, I cajoled my disorder. I remember arming myself with Quakers instant oats boxes. All I had to do was boil the kettle, add hot water and within 2 mins my 213 cal breakfast was ready. wow what a way to recover? All the green negative calorie fibre from local Sainsbury’s store and tins of dieter friendly fish were in my suite case. No milk, yes but fat free yogurt was in abundance. There was some fruit and some packets of very low calorie soup packets. First night I was sick, trying to ingest and digest all that green and omega 3 goodness.
Following morning, was I satisfied with my watery porridge? NO! I guess my body had enough of my disordered behaviors and as a result of malnourishment my hunger signals were all over the place. At the Golf Club, without the demands of work and hectic home life, I was able to stop and reflect the needs of my mind and body, and perhaps it was the first time in years that I knew what I wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner, something with fats. I went to Gatton Manor's Club House, and decided on Beans on Toast. At the end of the meal I felt oddly satisfied. So Club House brekkie was in for next four days and boxes of porridge were out for good.
As a Muslim, I can only eat Halal, so every morning I had a choice of following:
Omelette and salad with one filing
Smoked salmon with scrambled eggs
Baked beans on toast with Juice
2 eggs, poached, fried or scrambled on toast
So one of the most satisfying and heartiest brekkie ever in my relapse refeedig was Beans on toast. I know hard to believe, but God it worked miracles at keeping the bulimic and binging thoughts away.
I remember one of my famous rants, who eats sandwiches for lunch? If I'm going to eat, it will be on a table and not grab and go grub.
At Manor House, lunch time menu was limited (even more so, due to my dietary restrictions) , but a choice between packets of MSG laden soups or freshly prepared sandwiches, I opted for former.
Lunch- All Day Menu
Choices were:
Luxury Fish and seafood pie
Ceaser Salad with prawns
Traditional Fish and Chips
From Sandwich Bar
Egg Mayonnaise served with a salad garnish
Tuna Mayonnaise with Red Onion
Mature Cheddar Cheese with pickle
With optional side orders for all lunch items:
Skinny fries
Cheesy chips
Nachos
Those four days were a winning battle against my eating disorder, why, because I tuned into my body's needs. Oddly, I just knew when I wanted something with Carbs, or something with Omega 3, or something just plain sweet. I learnt one thing that recovery doesn't have to be complicated, meals don't have to be stressful. Something as simple as egg mayonnaise sandwich can act as a tool to healing and satisfying your hunger pangs. There is no way you can recover without Dairy, Protein, Carbs, Fiber and Fats, it’s simply impossible.
In beginning when I made my pledge to structured eating, I was overwhelmed, at home I completely freaked out. In Manor house, I stuck to decisions I had made in advance because it was my recovery and indeed the choices you make in recovery determine your future.
So at Manor House, I bore the cold, went for short walks when I wanted to get rid of my lunch. Meditated when I had thoughts of skipping next meal and indulged in Dhikr, when eating disorder thoughts became too much to bear. I prayed, reconnected with needs of my body, turned towards my heart and well just allowed my body to heal.
For me to detach myself completely from my comfortable environment was the key to recovery because it allowed me to change my thought pattern, acknowledge myself and my spiritual needs, spend time with myself. Eating structured meals is a key to nurturing your thoughts and disciplining your body. At times when I thought I would choke on panic, oddly there was something for me to do, even in my room. The view from my bed room window was spellbinding and calmed my disorder. I marveled at God's creation and reflected on steps I would be taking in future to beat my disorder.
Only one complain from Manor House , their staff is way too nice. Their lovely house keeper kept my complimentary tea coffee tray well replenished with delicious biscuits, extra milk and lots of decaf coffee. God bless them all!
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