Showing posts with label Curing Eating Disorder through Sufism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Curing Eating Disorder through Sufism. Show all posts

Thursday, 3 January 2013

The Merge by Nimah Nawaab

It is often the case that in eating disorder we develop feelings that our negative in their core about our body and weight. As time passes body dysmorphia becomes ingrained in our sub conscious mind and this leads to loss of confidence, low morale and anxiety. I came across a short poem by renowned Saudi poetess Nimah Nawwab on body and physical appearance from her book Canvas of Souls. It touched me deeply.

By Great Nimah Nawwab


The Merge



So much attention is given to the body, to the physical, to the appearance of matters, can we fully go beyond? Test the waters of the unnamed ocean, beyond coasts, seen by all, and dive through the waves of essential self to the inner fire, inner heart of the selfless self and merge with the light?


Monday, 24 December 2012

Experience the Essence of Prayer by AHmed Hulusi

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuWeWVrsQ4o

Eating disorder are demonic in their very essence, but with the prayer, and belief and conviction you can defeat this demon. I love essence of prayer by Ahmed Hulusi. Indeed connection with Almighty is empowering and answer to many of our problems.

Friday, 14 December 2012

Taking a risk in Eating Disorder Recovery-


God helps those who help themselves


Benjamin Franklin




When I failed to recover at the local eating disorder unit, relapsed at home and hit rock rock bottom and then  again attempted one of the millions failed recoveries at home, I took a risk and challenged my disorder. Changing my social environment helped me in beating my disorder, as I was forced to stay in an environment with no eating disorder triggers.

I love these words by Rumi:

To be or not to be Is not my dilemma. To break away from both worlds is not bravery. To be unaware of the wonders That exist in me, That Is real madness! ~

Hehehe Yes I wanted to see what exists in me, and distinguish it from my eating disorder demon.

I can now really relate to what Kate Walsh said in her book:
An eating disorder is a disorder of behaviour

An eating disorder is a disorder of lifestyle,

An eating disorder is a disorder of relationships,

An eating disorder is a disorder of thinking,

An eating disorder is a disorder of life and values and emotions.

Geez , what a price to pay for thin body? (I’m referring to myself)

Anyway at home, underweight, depressed, sun is not shinning Grrrrr. Your disorder is not changing and you are losing your spiritual connection with God and in your starved mind, everyone is either fitting into black category perfectly good or white category very bad. I knew what I needed, so I changed my environment for few days. Deep down, I knew that it will be just me and my disorder and I wanted to see and monitor the behaviours I would indulge in while away from the comfort of my environment.

It was a four day break, but a break with a purpose to heal my body and soul. More than anything I wanted to reconnect with God and refrain from disordered behaviours that took up 20 hours of my day. I wanted to be steady in my prayers and marvel at simple things in life. I dedicate this recovery to a dear friend who was committed to the belief that I can and will become responsible for my own recovery.

So with yellow skin and shivering body I leave my home for Gatton Manor Golf Club in Surrey. I booked a room, with no breakfast. I’m going to recover by taking my own food with me, I cajoled my disorder. I remember arming myself with Quakers instant oats boxes. All I had to do was boil the kettle, add hot water and within 2 mins my 213 cal breakfast was ready. wow what a way to recover? All the green negative calorie fibre from local Sainsbury’s store and tins of dieter friendly fish were in my suite case. No milk, yes but fat free yogurt was in abundance. There was some fruit and some packets of very low calorie soup packets. First night I was sick, trying to ingest and digest all that green and omega 3 goodness.

Following morning, was I satisfied with my watery porridge? NO! I guess my body had enough of my disordered behaviors and as a result of malnourishment my hunger signals were all over the place.  At the Golf Club, without the demands of work and hectic home life, I was able to stop and reflect the needs of my mind and body, and perhaps it was the first time in years that I knew what I wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner, something with fats.  I went to Gatton Manor's Club House, and decided on Beans on Toast. At the end of the meal I felt oddly satisfied. So Club House brekkie was in for next four days and boxes of porridge were out for good.

As a Muslim, I can only eat Halal, so every morning I had a choice of following:

Omelette and salad with one filing

Smoked salmon with scrambled eggs

Baked beans on toast with Juice

2 eggs, poached, fried or scrambled on toast

So one of the most satisfying and heartiest brekkie ever in my relapse refeedig was Beans on toast. I know hard to believe, but God it worked miracles at keeping the bulimic and binging thoughts away.

I remember one of my famous rants, who eats sandwiches for lunch? If I'm going to eat, it will be on a table and not grab and go grub.

At Manor House, lunch time menu was limited (even more so, due to my dietary restrictions) , but a choice between packets of MSG laden soups or freshly prepared sandwiches, I opted for former.

Lunch- All Day Menu

Choices were:

Luxury Fish and seafood pie

Ceaser Salad with prawns

Traditional Fish and Chips

From Sandwich Bar

Egg Mayonnaise served with a salad garnish

Tuna Mayonnaise with Red Onion

Mature Cheddar Cheese with pickle

With optional side orders for all lunch items:

Skinny fries

Cheesy chips

Nachos



Those four days were a winning battle against my eating disorder, why, because I tuned into my body's needs. Oddly, I just knew when I wanted something with Carbs, or something with Omega 3, or something just plain sweet.  I learnt one thing that recovery doesn't have to be complicated, meals don't have to be stressful. Something as simple as egg mayonnaise sandwich can act as a tool to healing and satisfying your hunger pangs.  There is no way you can recover without Dairy, Protein, Carbs, Fiber and Fats, it’s simply impossible.

In beginning when I made my pledge to structured eating, I was overwhelmed, at home I completely freaked out. In Manor house, I stuck to decisions I had made in advance because it was my recovery and indeed the choices you make in recovery determine your future.

So at Manor House, I bore the cold, went for short walks when I wanted to get rid of my lunch. Meditated when I had thoughts of skipping next meal and indulged in Dhikr, when eating disorder thoughts became too much to bear.  I prayed, reconnected with needs of my body, turned towards my heart and well just allowed my body to heal.



For me to detach myself completely from my comfortable environment was the key to recovery because it allowed me to change my thought pattern, acknowledge myself and my spiritual needs, spend time with myself. Eating structured meals is a key to nurturing your thoughts and disciplining your body.  At times when I thought I would choke on panic, oddly there was something for me to do, even in my room. The view from my bed room window was spellbinding and calmed my disorder. I marveled at God's creation and reflected on steps I would be taking in future to beat my disorder.

http://img.venere.com/img/hotel/9/5/8/4/84859/3162870_8_b.jpg

Only one complain from Manor House , their staff is way too nice. Their lovely house keeper kept my complimentary tea coffee tray well replenished with delicious biscuits, extra milk and lots of decaf coffee. God bless them all!

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Healing your Eating Disorder Anorexia Bulimia Nervosa with AHmed Hulusi



There are certain people who appeal to us in our short span of life and they mesmerize us simply by their style, caliber and innate charisma.

With my losing battle with eating disorder, I came across Ahmed Hulusi and learnt one thing that the voice inside my head belonged to someone who was purely menace and destructive. Ahmed Hulusi is a Sufi, a scholar from the Mevalana's heartland of Turkey. He is demure, quiet and befittingly carries an aura of saint around him. His humbleness, knowledge, intellect and wisdom appealed to me.

In many ways, it was his book A guide to prayer and Dhikr, that got me through the darkest days of anorexia nervosa. I have to admit his work is complex and astoundingly brilliant. It pushes the boundaries of limited human intellect. Turkey has produced great Sufi saints throughout the course of history, but Ahmed Hulusi has a status of his own. We are lucky to have him in our world.

In eating disorder you cannot control your mind, in fact its your disorder that controls you. According to Dr Irina Webster subconscious mind is the mind beneath or beyond conscious awareness. In the case of eating disorders for most people, the behavior or the sufferer seems very illogical and strange. And many sufferers do understand what they are doing is not right, but they still continue to do these things. This is because their sub conscious tells them to and they cant stop. The subconscious always wins.




No wonder a person feels detached from mercies of God, when their mind is constantly in a state of confusion and destruction.



To recover


According to Karen Philips in order to recover from your eating disorder, "the cortex, which is the conscious part of the brain, should influence the limbic system, which does not have conscious thought."

I agree with her (in my case) that " most  eating  disorders  are  a  learned  behavior.  Initially you taught  yourself  to  diet,  or  to  become  slim.  Initially  it  was  your own  conscious  decision  to  lose  weight  because  you  wanted  to look better. This conscious decision was made by your cortex and sent  to  your  limbic  system,  which  gave  you  feelings  (like feeling good about yourself when you become slim). So,  what  you  need  to  do  is  reverse  this;  you  (or  your  cortex) should  make  another  decision  (about  changing  your  own  image and feelings that you have now, like starving yourself or purging, back  to  a  normal  response)  and  send  this  signal  to  your  limbic system  to  foster  good  feelings  about  this  new  decision  you  have just made."
How  do you do it? In my case as Ahmed Hulusi said: practice known as Dhikr. Imam Ghazali said: "There has to be a balance in everything, except dhikr of Allah which needs to be constant/often."

Ahmed Hulusi said:
Religion is not for attaining worldly sovereignty. In Jesus’ words, it is to attain the kingdom of heaven.” And this is only possible by reaching the essential reality of ones self.

How can one attain knowledge of the self?

Via the brain, of course!

Our success will be determined by the extent to which we use our brain’s capacity. The wider the scope of our reflective capacity, the more objectively we can view things and the stronger our spirits will get, allowing us to know the reality of Allah.

But how will such progress take place in the brain?

Through the practice known as dhikr!

I believe Dhikr is the key to defeating the demon inside my brain. Ahmed Hulusi emphasized on changing your mind through recitation of certain names of Allah. Shaykh Hamid Hasan of the Naqshbandi-Mujaddidi tariqah in New Delhi helped me in this matter.

In eating disorder treatments, hypnotherapy, counseling, meditations are highly recommended . All the holistic methods and prescription medicines such as fluoxetine (Prozac) are there to silence and control this voice inside person's mind . I find controlling that voice through Dhikr is much easier.

We all humans are weak, but with the combination of right foods, tawakul and Dhikr, Inshallah nothing is unattainable, especially the war against eating disorder.

Read the article below by Ahmed Hulusi on Dhikr

What Is DHIKR


Religion is not for attaining worldly sovereignty. In Jesus’ words, it is to attain the kingdom of heaven.” And this is only possible by reaching the essential reality of ones self.

How can one attain knowledge of the self?

Via the brain, of course!

Our success will be determined by the extent to which we use our brain’s capacity. The wider the scope of our reflective capacity, the more objectively we can view things and the stronger our spirits will get, allowing us to know the reality of Allah.

But how will such progress take place in the brain?

Through the practice known as dhikr!

Indeed, dhikris the key to all of the above.

Primarily, dhikr is known to be a repetition of certain prayers and names of Allah. Its second meaning entails remembrance and to reflect on. Furthermore, it means to elaborate and dwell on a meaning such that it yields deep, comprehensive contemplation.

Here are some verses from the Quran in regards to the importance of dhikr:

O believers! Let not your worldly goods or your children make you oblivious of the remembrance of Allah (the remembrance of your essential self, and the necessary practices that accompany this). And whoever does this – it is they who are the losers!” (Quran 63:9)

They (the objects/idols of their worship) will say, ‘Subhan[1] you are! It is not possible for us to take besides You any allies. But when You provided comforts for them and their fathers, they forgot the knowledge of reality and indulged in bodily pleasures which eventually led to their ruin.’” (Quran 25:18)

And whoever is blinded (with external things) from remembering that his essential composition is composed of the names of Allah, and thus from living the requirements of this, (Rahman) We appoint for him a devil (a delusion; the idea that he is only the physical body and that life should be lived in pursuit of bodily pleasures) and this (belief) will become his (new) identity! And indeed, these will avert them from the way [of guidance; the path to reality] while they think that they are [rightly] guided!” (Quran 43:36-37)

Satan (corporeality; the idea of being just the physical body) has overcome them and made them forget the remembrance of Allah (their own reality of which they have been reminded, and that they will abandon their bodies and live for eternity as ‘consciousness’ comprised of Allah’s names!) Those are the acquaintances of Satan (the advocates of corporeality, those who only think of themselves as the physical body). Beware, for most assuredly, the party of Satan will be the very losers!” (Quran 58:19)

The absence of remembrance in the form of dhikr is probably the biggest lack in our lives. Those whose brains are deprived of the power of dhikr are easily susceptible to the manipulations of the jinni.

Being under the influence of Satan denotes a much bigger reality than one may assume. The Quran clearly states that the majority of the human race is under the direct manipulation of the jinni:

The day when Allah resurrects them all, He will say to them: ‘O community of jinn, you have truly possessed (misled from reality) most of mankind.’” (Quran 6:128)

The only and most powerful weapon man has against the jinni, who appear most often in the guise of aliens or extraterrestrial beings,is dhikr.

The most observable feature of those who are under the influence of the jinni is the absurdity of their speech, which lacks logical uniformity and is contradictory.

The Quran advises reciting the following verses as a dhikr or as prayer to be protected from them:

Rabbi inni massaniyash shaytanu bi nusbin we adhab; Rabbi audhu bika min hamazatish shayatini wa audhu bika Rabbi an yahdurun wa hifzan min kulli shaytanin marid” (Quran 38:41, 23:97-98, 37:7)

He called to his Rabb (the reality of the Names comprising his essence), ‘Indeed, Satan (the feeling of being this body) has given me hardship and torment.’”

And say, ‘My Rabb! I seek refuge in You (the protective names within my essence) from the incitements of the satans (that call to corporeality). And I seek refuge in You (the protective names within my essence) my Rabb, lest they be present with me.’”

We protected the nearest heaven (earth’s atmosphere) from every rebellious satan.”

Cigarettes are the most prominent source of smoke nutrition for the jinni. Due to this they never leave the presence of smokers. Again, dhikr and prayer is the only way one can protect the self from their influences.

Prayer and dhikr enable the brain to produce a protective energy, which can shield the brain from the impulses sent by the jinni, either by weakening these incoming impulses or by preventing them altogether.

In fact, the protective energy omitted by the brain during dhikr forms a field of protection around the person.

Indeed, our preeminent purpose in life should be to develop and enhance our brain via dhikr and thereby to know our selves and our environment. For our brain possesses potential that is beyond our imagination. If only we could harness its power!

Only then may we gain insight into the reality of man, his make-up, his mechanism, his inherent qualities and how to optimize them through dhikr and prayer.

SUGGESTED DAILY DHIKR’S


100 ALLAHUMMA A'INNI ALA DHIKRIKA WA SHUKRIKA WA HUSNU IBADATIK

O Allah, enable me to remember you, to benefit from you and to engage optimally in the necessary practices thereupon.

300 ALLAHUMMA INNI ASALUKA HUBBAKA WA HUBBU MAN YUHIBBUKA

O Allah, bestow upon me your love and the love of those who love you.

300 LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

There is no deity-God (I as this person do not exist) only You (the meanings of the names that comprise my essence). I invoke you (as the manifestations of your names necessitate me to) Indeed, I have wronged my self (by failing to realize and exoerience my reality).

500 QUDDUS'UT TAHIRU MIN KULLI SOOIN

Cleanse me from all humanly impurities.

100 YA NURA QULLI SHAY'IN WA HADAHU AKHRIJNI MINAZ ZULUMATI ILAN'NUR

O the source of light and guidance for all! Save me from the darkness of ignorance and enlighten me with your knowledge.

3600 x MUREED

2700 x HALIM

1800 x MU’MİN

2700 x RASHID

3600 x QUDDÛS

3600 x NUR

1800 x HAKİM

2700 x FATTAH

Prayers for Protection


Rabbi inni messeniyesh sheitanu binusbin ve azâb; Rabbi euzü bike min hemezatish sheyatini ve euzü bike rabbi en yahdurun. Ve hifzan min külli sheytanin marid.

O Rabb! (The Reality of the Names comprising my essence) Satan (The internal mechanism (ego) that promotes the illusory existence of the inexistent and veils the absolute reality) is distressing and tormenting me. My Rabb, I seek refuge in you from the incitements of Satan, and I seek refuge in you from the presence of Satanic influences around me. And we have provided protection from all rejected Satans.

Audhu bi wajhillahil kareem wa kalimatillahil ta'ammatilladhiy la yujawuz hunna barrun wala fajiroon min sharri ma yanzilu minas samaa'i wa ma ya'rujoo feeyha wa min sharri ma zara'a fil ardhi wa mayakhrujoo minha wa min fitanil layli wan nahari illa tariqan yatruku bikhayrin ya Rahman…
I seek refuge in the face of Allah (in that which the attributes of Allah become manifest), the Karim (The exceedingly generous and bountiful), and in all His Names, nothing good or bad can attack them.

I seek protection in RAHMAN, the source of all potentials, from that which ascends to the heavens (from provocative thoughts) and that which descends from the heavens (from thoughts that conjure doubt and suspicion), from that which is produced from the plane of perceived manifestation (ardh) (that which emanates from corporeality) and grows out of it (bodily demands and desires), from the provocations of the day (our internal life) and the night (the outside world), and from that which knocks on the door at night (instinct), except if it is with good intent.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Sufism and Anorexia Nervosa

"Lose yourself. Escape from the black cloud that surrounds you. Then you will see your own light, as radiant as the full moon."


Rumi Meditatinh=g KIT


I love these words by Turkic poet Rumi: "Prayer clears the mist and brings back peace to the soul," because nothing matters in the world when you have that connection with your Lord. As a Muslim, I always make a futile attempt towards performing my daily five prayers. Before my Eating Disorder diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, I was connected with my faith or perhaps I was more automated in my prayers and never really dwelled on the peace I had in my daily life (it was all taken for granted). The days I completed my five daily prayers were the days marked off as a success on my weekly planner. As days passed with my anorexia nervosa, I felt that connection with my faith was dwindling. How can you pray and concentrate on essence of Holy Book when your mind is preoccupied with disordered thoughts of food? I would be often in middle of my daily prayer and all of a sudden my focus would shift and I would start planning elaborate meals for my family. I would hastily finish my prayer and run off to kitchen and then the doom of my disorder would begin as I would be subconsciously chained to kitchen for next 7 hours, measuring, cooking, cleaning, cooking and never once tasting my own food.

In my yester years (before ED took over) I always dreamed of having enough time to master the magical world of Sufi teachings. I wanted to read Imam Ghazali, get lost in the magical world of Ibn al Arabi, travel to past to read Rabia al Basri and immerse my self in evolving Sufi practices in the sub continent of South Asia. I wanted to recite Rumi, memorize Hafiz and read Iqbal.

With anorexia nervosa another hefty price I paid was dying brain, loss of self worth, low morale and ongoing anxiety attacks over eating out. My depleted serotonin, leptin, endocrine levels left me with a very little functioning brain. Oh don't get me wrong, I was brilliant when it came to cooking and drooling over cookery books and watching come dine with me on Channel 4 and 4HD all day long, but when it came to reading any other literature or watching anything else on Tele, my mind would shut down.

I rediscovered my love for Sufism in mid 2012, when I was aiming towards the lowest point in my life. Recovery is your journey and as Polly Mertens said: "It's not how many times you fall down its how many times you get up that makes the difference between success and failure."

'According to Sufi teachings, the path to experiencing the Divine Presence starts within. It is said that one who realizes oneself realizes the Lord. God is present, but individuals cannot see the Almighty because curtains of ignorance veil their eyes and rust encases their hearts. The average person is ego-centered. Only after he or she has polished the heart and purified the self will the curtains lift, the rust fall away, and the eyes become able to see God.'

I joined school of Sufi teaching and started to meditate (called Muraqabah) every morning after my early morning prayer. 'The origin of muraqabah lies in the saying of the Prophet Muhammad SAW, “Adore Allah as if you are seeing Him, and if you do not see Him, know that He is seeing you.” Literally, muraqabah means to wait and to guarantee or protect. When used as a Sufi technical term, the meaning of muraqabah is to detach oneself from worldly pursuits for a period of time with the intention of nurturing the spiritual guidance that the seeker has received from his shaykh.'

As Rumi said: "Be with those who mix with God as honey blends with milk." Therefore, I made a decision to be in the company of those who loved God and not in the company of my Eating Disorder.

Indeed the practices are helping me to conquer the demon of Eating disorder. I panic less and though there are bad days, but nothing that a weekly group meditation session cannot conquer.  It is the very first time, that I am willing to eat. I feel that I still have a long way to go with my practices, but in life nothing comes free, we have to struggle if we want to succeed.

'Keep knocking, and the joy inside/ will eventually open a window/ and look out to see who's there.' (Rumi)