Love, Marriage and Anorexia
An Interview with an old Friend from Islamabad on her struggles with anorexia nervosa. In order to seal the anonymity, I will not be using the real name of interviewee; instead I’ll be referring to her as QG.
I would like to thank QG for sharing her story on this blog.
MK: How did you become anorexic?
QG: I fell in love with a distant relative in Karachi, who at times was studying at Columbia University in New York. It was all very perfect and for me it was a love at first sight. It was all very quick and according to my mother he had every reason in the world to fall for me. You know Maha, how outstandingly beautiful my family is, how us sisters were so famed for our beauty and our looks. We were a product of our mother’s imagination, beautiful well-mannered girls that everybody envied. Within months we were engaged and he returned to New York to complete his studies. We were engaged for two years. Once he returned from New York, wedding date was set by our families. It was a request by him and his mother that I lose some weight before the wedding that started the whole journey into world of anorexia. I had 8 weeks to lose 6 kilos. I was always cautious about my weight and this led me on a journey where a diet became something more. I became so focused on losing weight that at times I would fast for days and other days I would be on bed trying to recover from headaches and fatigue. Losing weight took precedence over everything including my studies, my wedding preparations and my social life .
MK: How did dieting lead to anorexia?
QG: It wasn’t just a diet, but also the pressure of getting married, meeting demands of my in laws and trying to strike a balance between my studies and home life. In Pakistan there is a certain obsession with finding a most perfect daughter in law, one that is slim, fair, beautiful, educated, well-mannered, well-dressed, obedient and modern. I met these criteria perfectly, except when it came to weight. For my height 5:4, I was 53kilos, but my fiance wanted me to drop down to 47 Kilos. I guess he was influenced by size zero craze that was plaguing American society. He had a vision of wife who looked like a runway model. In panic, I started restricting, cutting out morning and afternoon meals and started to exercise compulsively.I became obsessed with not eating, every food was bad, and soon everything in food pyramid became my enemy.
MK: Is there a pressure on girls to be certain size, certain height and have certain traits?
QG: Once your 13 girls have to look their best all the time. It’s unbelievable, how certain people have an obsession with people who look beautiful on surface. Beauty matters and people are more appreciative of outer beauty then inner beauty. Also weight is always taken into consideration. If your slim and beautiful then your guaranteed a good proposal, a good social life.
MK: Did your family and friends notice your anorexia?
QG: They knew I was losing weight, but it was all put down to stress and pre wedding jitters.
MK: Did you get married in your anorexic condition?
QG: Yes! When I got married 2 months later, I had already lost over 5 kilos of weight. I didn’t look healthy, just frail and out of place. I was only living on a cup of tea and few salted biscuits at that time. I could not look at cooked food without feeling sick.
MK: How did your condition affect your married life?
QG: The first few weeks are always bliss, but not mine. I was low in confidence and petrified that I will fail in my married life. I tried to avoid all meal times and would only eat few bites to hide my disordered condition. My in laws applauded me on my willpower and always complimented me on how smart I looked. I was struggling, I was unhappy and I was always passing out with hunger. I also developed a hatred for dressing up in glittery outfits, started to hate make up and hated going out. I really did fail to be a perfect outgoing girlfriend my husband wanted me to be. Within few weeks of our marriage, I embarked on another diet. I lost more weight, and was put on bed rest. My mental health really deteriorated and I was sent back to my parent’s house. I was so low in weight that I was immediately hospitalized. Within few days of hospitalization, doctors diagnosed me with severe depression and low weight. I stayed in hospital for 3 months. I started hallucinating and became so paranoid that all reassurances proved fruitless. I thought everyone including medical team was secretly plotting to make me fat.
MK: What treatment did you receive in Islamabad Hospital?
QG: I was in a psychiatric ward. I had my own room and a team of psychologists were involved in my treatment. First few weeks of my hospitalization, no progress was made, as I refused to speak. In order to make some progress, I was threatened with electric shock therapy. I still refused to eat. I was given 8 hours notice to start eating or the medical team will be forced to take matters into their own hands. My parents had already consented to electric shock therapy. After 8 hours of ordeal, I still refused to eat or talk. I thought I rather die than eat. But once I was taken towards that chair, I broke down and that was the first breakthrough doctors made with my anorexia. After three months I was discharged. I had gained 10 kilos.
MK: After the discharge, did your anorexia still have an impact on your life?
QG: Two weeks after the discharge, I was served with divorce papers in post. I had a severe break down and I relapsed. In relapse all I cared about was how much weight I could lose. And this time anorexia was very strong, I dropped to an unhealthy weight of 29 Kilos.
MK: When did you realize that you needed help?
QG: After my divorce, which is an irony.
MK: What kind of treatment did you go through after your divorce?
QG: After my divorce I became restrictive and this time no team of medical professionals was involved, instead my father took it into his own hands to make me eat. We had rows, long quarrels, exchange of words, but I could not bring myself to eat. I was losing weight rapidly and also my sanity. It was during these turbulent times that we came across a Malay Psychiatrist in Islamabad. He was in his retirement and was helping out at local university with development of curriculum. After speaking to my mother, he took my case for free and he became my savior. We started off with simple meditation exercises to relax my mind. I learnt how to distinguish between my thoughts and thoughts of anorexia. He taught me how to reconnect with God, to read Quran again and to become more observant in my prayers. He taught my mother about anorexia and he taught me about darkness of living in anorexic world.
MK: How did you deal with refeeding?
QG: I was a very restrictive anorexic. After my divorce, I became worst with food. I hated eating more than anything in the world. If someone even offered me something to eat, I would fly into rage. I was also exercising in my room for 4-5 hours a day. Refeeding and recovery was such a slow progress, we started off with water and dates. He taught me about benefits of eating dates and how Prophet Muhammad loved dates. We then included milk in my diet and after few weeks, we made a progress to incorporate other foods in my diet. It took 6 months of constant counselling for me to start having 3 meals and 3 snacks in my daily diet.
MK: When did you recover from your illness?
QG: In 2011. Though I still needed counselling to deal with events in my life, but food was no longer an issue, no longer a mechanism that controlled my life.
MK: Did your family and friends ever come to terms with your illness?
QG: Only my mother did, my father still views the whole episode of marriage and divorce as a worst nightmare. My relatives are still baffled and upset by my divorce. My ex-husband and his family feel cheated and blame my parents for burdening them with an ill daughter in law. In simple words, even I find it difficult to come to terms with what has happened.
MK: How is life after recovery?
QG: despite the entire ordeal, I’m in a much better position in my life now. Anorexia is an ensuing hell and is purely destructive. I went back to my job as a teacher. I love my job and I know that I need to feed my body and my mind, if I want to make a difference in society. I still struggle with certain foods, such as red meat, deep fried foods, but I eat well. I eat with my family and at times eat at social events as well. Let me tell you Maha that in my anorexic days all I did was exercise in 45 degree heat and hate myself and world in general. Life was unpleasant. Recovery is beautiful in a sense that it teaches you to live for yourself, to take care of yourself and to deal with challenges in your life.
